Word for 2020?

In January, friends often ask me what my word for the year is. A word to focus on. To grow in. I have learned a year is a very long time, and the Lord likes to shuffle my focus from one thing to another.

So I don't have a word for the year. But I do have  a couple phrases for this week, maybe even the next month, or longer:

True Peace and Healthy Boundaries

True peace. 

Matthew Henry is quoted as saying, "Peace is such a jewel, that I would give anything for it, but truth." Peace is defined as a calmness of soul that produces mental and emotional strength and stability. When I have peace I have a peaceful mind, a quiet conscience, a hopeful heart, and a close fellowship with God. I am at peace with God because Jesus died for me and washed my sins away. So true peace begins with knowing I am justified. With God, it is just-if-I'd never sinned. True peace hinges on if I believe I am accepted by God. The world's peace is enough to make me feel okay only when things are okay. God's peace passes all understanding. It is saying, "It's going to be okay, and even if it is not, it will be in the end." Jesus calls Himself the Prince of peace. So when storms come within me or around me, I need to focus on the Prince of Peace Who is still on the throne no matter what.

Healthy boundaries.

This one is something the Lord has been growing me in for the last couple years. A good friend gave me a shirt that says, "Stay in your lane." Healthy boundaries helps you know what is your lane. I have been studying this topic and will need write a separate post sometime in the future. For now here are some good quotes on boundaries:

"Boundaries are your responsibility. You decide what is and isn't allowed in your life." Brittney Moses

"A boundary is a definate place where your responsibility ends and another person's begins. It stops you from doing things for others that they should do for themselves. A boundary also prevents you from rescuing someone from consequences of their destructive behavior that they need to experience in order to grow." 

"My boundaries communicate what I want and what I don't want in my relationships with others. They are never an attempt to control anyone but myself."

"I didn't set this boundary to offend or please you. I did it to manage the priorities and goals I have set for my life." Kylo

Being Real.

When I decided to get into blogging, I knew I wanted to be real. Not acting like I have all my ducks in a row. Not to pretend I didn't have struggles. Jesus Christ is very real to me. His fingerprints in my life are very real. I desire to help others see how real and personal He is. 

I am not sure how often I will post this year, my track record is very sporadic! I just know I need to post more. In 2019 I didn't even post ten times! My journaling has also tapered off and that isn't healthy for me. 

2019 was a mounumental year for me with some very deep canyons. The Lord fulfilled a huge promise to me in making it possible for me to homeschool Snipp all the way! He graduated in May and he is a fine young man with a quiet, but strong faith and a heart for the bus ministry. All the overwhelming fears of 2006 have vanished. It is miraculous! It took 13 years. A lot of hard work, many tears, and many more prayers. Whenever I start to struggle with doubts about God's faithfulness, all I have to do is look at my oldest son. He is not a perfect man, the Lord is still molding him; but to me seeing him serve in church with such joy is an endless blessing. A victory! His father's death, my imperfect parenting and teaching, his own grief journey, all of it did not make him turn away from the LORD. 

Yet my goal is to be real. And I have two young men to finish homeschooling. Two teenagers to navigate to adulthood. Someone once said, "Parenting is hard; homeschooling is like parenting on steroids." So true! Some days are just hard. And many days this month I have felt so weary. 😢

Six days later:

The Lord in His wisdom gave us a snow day. We enjoyed a Saturday of just curling up with books in little niches around the house. Sunday was a breathe of fresh air to my soul. Pastor's words spoke right to my heart and I could feel the Holy Spirit opening my eyes, strengthening me, stirring hope within. Monday we headed down to visit family, Nana's family. We were all looking forward to it. Only one part was I dreading. Walking in the door and not having Nana there. Not giving and receiving a hug from my mentor & friend. I could feel the dread building within and contacted a few praying sisters. Sisters-in-Christ. Sisters-in-sorrow.  Precious sisters of faith. It is such a blessing to have sisters in this life. Our time with family was busy and short. The Lord did little things in those two days that continued to strengthen and encourage my weary soul. I returned home refreshed. Wednesday was a busy day of school and church activities. But I felt held. Protected. Today was another snow day. A planned homeschool group activity of sledding. The fresh air and homeschool mom talks were such a blessing. Then my two students and I visited a nearby town. We walked down memory lane a little bit and enjoyed A & W shakes. Later we met up with the other teens and moms at a friend's home. For a couple hours, the boys played games with their friends and us moms swapped homeschooling stories and shared about mom life. Just precious!

Like I said earlier, the Lord is so personal. He knows my needs and provides them at the times He deems best. I know in the next four months of school more hard days will come. For now, I rest in God's tender care and soak up His love. ❤

Eternal Accountability

I know I have been quiet for many months. I actually started writing two different post this fall. One was titled Running Shoes. The other I called Unraveling. But I never had the heart to finish them. Grief is a funny thing. It seems to suck the energy out of you, though you feel like you are doing nothing. I have missed Nana very much, in the quietness of this blog. Turtled up some. Reach out to others some. Given encouragement and understand to other sisters and brothers in sorrow. And looked to others for encouragement for myself. Mostly, I sought the Lord to fill the hole left by my cherished friend and mentor. I heard someone say this about their own mentor, "I wasn't ready to let her go yet. There is so much I hadn't heard her say." I understand that deeply. Every loss has its own fingerprint. The Lord understands us exactly and what the sorrow means inside of us. But grief is still a language everyone feels. My goal in 2020 is to write more consistently. We shall see!

=======================================================================

I titled this post Eternal Accountability because these two words struck deep within me Sunday. Accountability helps us in numerous ways. But the reality of Eternal Accountability is eye opening!
God is my Judge. I read this this morning. It is true. There is comfort in those words because I know Jesus is my advocate. But I also understand that some of the things I do and say in this life are worthy to be burned up. They were unfruitful and at times very damaging to myself, my God, and others. Other things I have done or said I hope will be fruit that remains. Fruit that is turned to gold in the fire.

I want to get this posted. So I won't go much deeper. Dear reader, I just pray that you will give some thoughts to these two words: Eternal Accountability.

Enduring Grief

 🐢  🐢  🐢

 So for the past three months I have turtled up. I have grieved personally and privately. Everyone grieves differently. Here are a few of the things that I have done to endure my grief. I bought a sequins pillow that has a purple heart on it. It's kind of too girly girly for me, but it reminded me of my talks with Nana. Often when I went to talk to her I would play with the sequins pillow that was by her chair. A friend of mine calls it a girl therapy pillow and I guess it is. I would rub it back and forth making the picture appear and disappear as we talked, sometimes those talks were deep heart-to-heart ones and other times we just shared funny memories. So I bought myself a sequins pillow, my own therapy pillow. On the opposite side, I wrote a Bible verse that was special to me that I had shared with Nana.

 Another thing I have done is I went and visited Nana's memorial stone. I knew I needed to go see it even though it required a long drive. I placed two small stones on her stone under her name. Leaving a stone at the grave last longer than flowers and when someone visits they know someone had been there. It's very comforting to know someone else remembers your loved one and misses them too. One of the stones I left was black and shiny. The boys had found it when they were rock picking. I also placed a very smooth stone there. This stone was special to me. Jesus knows why and maybe Nana knows why now too. Besides putting flowers or stones, what do people do when they visit their loved one's grave? Many things. Clean it off. Remember special times. Say what never got said. It is different for everyone. For me I just needed to pause life and let myself grieve. I sat quietly a while. I talking with God a while. I sang a lil bit. I freely let the tears flow. 

As I was sitting by the memorial stone, a small little butterfly landed on my foot. It just rested a little while and then fluttered away. Then it returned. Butterflies always remind me of 1 Peter 5:10 because of how they struggle to come out of their chrystalis, but their struggles causes them to be able to soar. After the tears stopped and the butterfly no longer visited, I went and laid under the lone pine tree for a little while. I listened to the breeze blow through its branches and just took in God's presence, faithfulness, and comfort. Then it was time to drive away with a great peace inside. It was good to go. Very healing. Cleansing. Just me taking care of business I needed to take care of.

Our first big family reunion without Nana looms ahead. I am looking forward to gathering together with family, but there's going to be some hard times; someone special is missing. There will be no big hug from Nana. No special talks. And her voice will not blend with ours during the hymn sing. I expect there will be times my love for Nana will leak out of my eyes and memories will roll down my cheeks. But overall I'm feeling stronger, more in tune with God. Held. And I know the Lord will carry us through.

Tears & Turtling Up

I feel like I am in water & drifting into a place that is deep. Emotions are going into deep places within me. Tears flow quick & without explaination. It isn't one thing. It is 15 million reasons and most of those don't have words.

And I find myself turtling up. Wanting to shut others out. And yet feeling the sting of loneliness. The people I want  to talk to, I can't. Those who would understand without a spoken word, aren't here. The hugs I long for are impossible this side of heaven.
I know I need to draw close to God. I need Him so much. His strength. His comfort. His peace. His hugs. His understanding. His power. His wisdom.
God has answered some amazing prayers last week. And blessed me and the boys in simple, yet needful ways. He has faithfully carried us through so much. I am very thankful.
And yet tears come....cuz reality is grief doesn't disappear when the sun shines. And milestones & family pictures have important people missing.
But I am also an armorbearer. An intercessor. And the enemy doesn't take a day off.  He is seeking whom he may devour. There are some intense needs and battles going on in the lives of others right now. Duty & love calls me to the front lines even when my heart has its own sorrow.
So I suit up, fight on my knees, war in prayer, and then pull into my turtle shell and let the tears run their rivers. The Lord knows. He sees. He cares. He collects the tears. And He holds me.

Anger

Anger is very much a part of grief. It is often displayed more than its two roots: pain & fear. It often is the hard armor we reveal when life has turned upside down. We feel frustrated, irritated, mad at the world and everyone in it. It is natural. But we must be brave and dig past the anger to find what is the root. What fear or hurt is really under all the anger? Then we need to give a voice to it. It takes hard work to dig. And our pride often wants to deny the fear and to protect where we are wounded. But it is important to dig.
Anger can be very destructive. It often gets poured out on others or is poured out silently on ourselves. Neither one focuses on the real issue. We can get stuck in grief anger. Holding on to our anger like it will keep us connected to our loved one. It won't. It just prolongs healing. So the healthy thing is to dig. Try to give a voice to the anger. Listen for fear or pain. Then that is what needs to be truly expressed. Some people need to talk it out, some like me write, other might need to exercise, do a sport, go hiking, and in the process grief anger's mask falls off and the real issues can be dealt with.
Grief is messy & disruptive. It pingpong through many emotions: fear, pain, anger seem to be the big three for me. But others regret is huge or guilt. You won't deal with these once and be done.  You will bounce back to emotions and peel another layer back each time. But do NOT lose hope.
God spoke to me years ago in Psalm ? That He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds. "You won't always hurt like this." I needed that hope when the pain overwhelmed and I could barely breathe.
There is hope. And there is healing. And even when clouds of anger overshadow my home, there is hope. And no matter how many times I or my sons clench our fists in anger. Every time we open it again Jesus is right there to take our hand & lead us one more step further on this jouney to healing. 

Denial

As I have been looking through pictures in preparation for my oldest son's grad party, I have come across many bittersweet images. One in particular caught my eye. 

There was two little boys standing by a wooden cross. The older of the two is tracing the letters of his father's name. Resting against the base of the cross is sign that reads "My Honey, Our Daddy." This sign was an important step for us. For weeks after Jim's death Snipp stopped using the word, Daddy. He refered to his dad as "Jim" or simply used pronouns "he" and "him". This really began to bother me. Finally I asked Snipp why he was referring to his dad by his name. His smart 5 year old answer was that that is what everyone else called him. True, but I explained Jim was his daddy which is special and that is why Snipp had always called him Daddy before. Then with a deep sadness he whispered, "I wish it was someone else's daddy that died." Oh, how my mama's heart broke for my son. 

I shared with Snipp how it was hard for me that it was my honey who was gone too. But how we need to not pretend, and how we were going to do a project. We made a sign. "My Honey, Our Daddy". It was a reality sign. We didn't like it, but the denial needed to stop so we could heal. 

It was a long walk to the cemetery with Snipp slowly pulling the sign in his wagon. But the boys and I arrived and we placed it at the bottom of the cross. 

It was a solemn time. I then told Snipp that Jim would always be his daddy and I expected him to refer to him as such from now on. And Snipp did. 

Oh, it could have been so much easier to stay in denial and allow my son not use the word Daddy to try to escape the pain. But healing needed to begin. Grief needed worked through. And it is so honoring to our loved ones when we say their name or call them what they were to us. 

I share all this to encourage you do a check, dear reader. Are you using only pronouns? It might seem like a simple thing, but make yourself say their name. It can be difficult, but it is one small way to honor your loved one and it also leads to babysteps of healing.