The Hardest Thing of All

This is probably the hardest post to write because it is the most personal and the most difficult to put into words. And it isn't a lesson you get taught once and get. It is more of a journey that Christ wants us to grow in. And a truth I must remind myself of.

I have already shared how when we don't forgive, we open ourselves up for attack from the enemy. Sometimes it is subtle. Sometimes it is bombarding. Either way, the enemy gains ground.
Here are more truths from Jim Logan's From Reclaiming Surrendered Ground:

• Failure to trust God in the grief and suffering of life opens us up to bitterness, and bitterness opens us up to enemy involvement.

• We give ground to the enemy when we permit him to exercise influence over us through the resentments, bitterness, and unforgiveness we allow in our lives.

• Bitterness towards God is an affront to His sovereignty. God is not accountable to us; we are accountable to Him.  

• Claim God's forgiveness for your sin; then let go of it. You have no right to hang on to that which He has forgiven.

• Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is something we do. 

• You must recognize and reject false beliefs (strongholds) if you are to remain free. Build back towers of truth and take thoughts captive

But in all this truth about the power of forgiveness, this one is the loudest: I need to forgive myself. And when I don't, I am vulnerable to the enemy.

And I struggle fiercely with this. Forgiving others can be difficult. Forgiving God isn't easy either. But forgiving myself is the hardest thing of all.

It reminds me of a bully who takes their victim's own hand and makes them punch themselves. That is basically what I let the enemy do to me when I have unforgiveness toward myself.

And it is because I believe I deserve it. And the enemy is ever ready to remind me of the evidence against me. Yet God the Almighty Judge has forgiven me! So who am I to usurp His authority and refuse to forgive myself for something He has pardoned?

And we wonder why we feel so tormented and satan has such power over us. We can't fight him when we walked into the enemy's prison camp unarmed and get in line for the torture chamber! And that is exactly what we do when we don't forgive ourselves. 

Several times over this past year the Lord has pointed at some very deep things in my soul. Deep, dark wounds that I thought I had gotten complete healing on years ago. And He revealed how the enemy still uses them as evidence against me to have footing for his lies. The roots of those lies go deep into my past. Places I don't like to visit. In April, The Lord did heart surgery on one area, and He cut away evidence the enemy had long held against me. In June, the Healer thought I was ready for more and He ripped several old lies out like weeds, roots & all. I again I bled out my eyes. But I felt such freedom deep within. Then this fall, my Jesus allowed a situation to show me once again the ground I give over when I am unforgiving. He opened my eyes to how very quickly the enemy can coax me to the edge of a slippery slope, all the while using my humanity as evidence to get me there. 

So I am learning to forgive me. The little me who wasn't brave. The young me who didn't know what to do. The rebellious teenage me who knew better and did the opposite any way. The young adult me that made repeated mistakes. And the middle age me that hasn't always learned what I think I should. 
I am learning to be more forgiving of myself. To look at my Savior for His perspective instead of mine. He continues to show me that it is all under His blood. And that He has redeemed it all. To help me grow. To help others. To glorify Him.