Turning 40

                        

I turn 40 this month. And I am really very excited!
Sounds crazy, don't it?

But let's do a quick review:

•  My 28th birthday I was a happily married women with two great kids and a wonderful husband.
• My 29th birthday I was a barely functioning widow, really an emotional amputee with three sons (5, 2, and a newborn). My birthday was simply a day focused on breathing as my wounded heart bled out my eyes.
• I simply have no memory of my 30th birthday. I entered my 30's with about as much enthusiasm as a corpse.
• Most birthdays since then have been a blur. Usually full of vast emotions and learning to breathing again. Putting another school year behind us and forcing myself to walk forward.
• Certain ones stand out. I remember the cold splash of reality of being a widow longer than I had been a wife. Yet still having his missing "happy birthday" put a hole in all the well wishes of others.
• There were a couple birthdays that family did surprise parties after church. It was sweet of them, I felt showered with love, but inside was a storm.
• Then there is the birthday when my dad broke his hip. That was a memorable and crazy day for sure!

This year is vastly different. I have been planning for months. 40 to me isn't "halfway between diapers and Depends" or becoming "over the hill". To me turning 40 is a declaration, "I lived through my 30's!"
"I survived my 30's (and maybe even thrived a little) as a widow homeschool mom of three boys." The fact that the Lord did an amazing healing in my heart this last year just is icing on the cake. Turning 40 feels like a graduation.

With God's unshakeable grip on me, I have kept the faith.Through His wisdom, He has used my pain to help others. Through God's grace and provision, I have continued to homeschool the boys. I have survived, and lived over 4,000 days longer than I ever thought I would. I stumbled and fell many times, got scrapes and bruises along the way. But with the help of God, I struggled to my feet and tried again. Miraculously, I have lived to tell a tale that I thought was going to kill me. He stood against my deepest fears and healed my shattered heart. Like I said in December, "I feel as if I have finally graduated from physical therapy with prosthetic limbs and I am able to walk again. I feel that the LORD and I can hike together now toward something special up ahead. I don't know what it is, but I know the LORD is good and He knows best."

And so, for my 40th birthday, I am looking forward to a retreat.

Some time completely alone with just my Healer and me. Time to relax and just be. 

Not be a mom, or a teacher, or a house manager, or a daughter, sister or friend.

Just be me. Spending time with my Creator. A two-day long God date.

Time to reflect. Time to write. Time reading my Lord's love letter. Time listening to Him. Time to look forward and dream. Time to step into my 40's with a smile and a sweet peace knowing God's got some pretty exciting adventures ahead.

And in all my anticipation of my 40th birthday, I think of my Jim. I can just see him with a big grin on his face, like he knew this is where I would get to all along. And there'd be a knowing twinkle in his eyes, showing secrets he won't share, but that say "It's going to be great!"

The Gift

Every time I am in church, I look up to the ceiling above the pulpit. Upon the ceiling is the shadow of a gift. It has the shape of a present with a fancy bow on top of it. I know this is just a shadow of the mounted projector from the lights below, but each time I look to it, I am reminded of several things:

• "Today is a gift; that's why it is called the Present!" Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.
• My preacher is a gift to my family. He bears our burdens in prayer, instructs us in God's truth, and guides us to step out in faith and follow the Lord daily.
• The sermon is a gift. A message from the LORD personally to me. An audio letter from God. Pastor is just the speaker. It maybe be full of encouragement, or it may be like sandpaper to rub away a sharp corner of sin in my life. Either way it is a gift from the Lord who loves me and wants the best for me.
• My church family is a gift giving support, encouragement, fellowship, and accountability.
• It is estimated that 100 million Christians are persecuted around the globe. Openly meeting to worship the Living God in a place free from persecution is a gift.
• The list can go on and on.....our building is a gift, the music is a gift, the Bible is a gift, the children in my Sunday School class are a gift, my own children are a gift, my health is a gift. My vehicle that brought me there is a gift. Events in my life that brought me to this church body of believers, these too were gifts.
• God the Father giving His Son to die for me on a cross that was to have my name on it....a gift.

I am so very thankful for the shadow picture of a present that calls me to be thankful and attentive to the many blessings the Lord showers down upon me daily.

Unspeakable Joy

Our ladies group has been practicing "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin.

Recently the chorus has been "an anchor for my soul."

I just can't help, but sing it.

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Easter of 2007 was a day of hope for me. It was a day when I really began to feel like the boys and I were going to be okay. A day I realized some day my husband's grave would be empty too. Ten years later, I can say we are better than okay. We are a living breathing miracle of God's healing power and grace.

My nephew got married recently. Years ago I used to love weddings. That all changed when Jim died. I avoided them like the plague. Some where unavoidable, like my sister-in-law's and I just wept through them. In time, I didn't weep the whole time through them, but the vows got me every time. "Til death do we part." Most couples are clueless about that statement, thinking of being old and grey. No one thinks of being 8 months pregnant with their third child. Tears, a punch to the gut, a grief wave, curling my toes to stop from weeping. This is how it usually went hearing the vows and "I do's"

With the great healing the Lord had done on my heart this past fall, I was wondering how this wedding was going to affect my heart. I was going to be running into memories and was more involved in this wedding than any previous one without Jim. Having worked through the most emotional six months of my year, this wedding was the last heart check. Am I really healed?

I can honestly say that I felt no twinge, no grief wave, no lump in the throat, no curling of my toes.

And my heart wanted to leap for joy! I can't even begin to describe the joy of being healed. The Lord promised it many years ago. This is how I longed to be healed for so long. And it has finally happened!  "No more sorrow, no more pain."

I am not naïve to think I will never feel pain or sorrow again. But in my heart where it concerns Jim, there is no more sorrow and no more pain. For pain that used to suck my breath away and make me feel like I was dying a slow excruciating death....to go from that level to "no more sorrow, no more pain" is a miracle. Like I said, I don't think I can describe it. I just know that God truly is my Healer.

I also feel that if the Lord has someone for me in the future, that I am healed now and will be able to give them all of me. Like the Lord on Resurrection morning, I feel alive again. And there is unspeakable joy where once was the darkest, most overwhelming pain imaginable.

Thank You, Jesus, my Healer and the Lover of my Soul.

God Says No

When I first became a Christian and was learning about prayer, I learned the LORD has three answers:

• Yes
• No
• Wait

I once saw a saying that had a 4th response from God: "You've got to be kidding!"

Though it makes us smile, it can be so difficult when God says, "Wait" or "No."

In my head, I know when God says No or Wait, He has my best interest at heart.

I know this, but that doesn't instantly take the disappointment away. When hopes or dreams don't happen, when expectations aren't met, when something easy turns into the most difficult thing in the world....it is hard to remember that the "No" from the Lord is best. When I want to run away from a situation or speak my mind on a matter, and He says "No" it becomes a battle of my flesh and His spirit within me. When the timing for something seems to make sense but God clearly says "Wait.", it can be so difficult to not run ahead of the Lover of my soul who knows exactly what is best for me. It is trying on the soul when I pray, and pray, and pray for someone or a situation, and don't see any change or things get even worse. God has said "Wait" and I impatiently want to see evidence I have been heard.

And often when told "no" or "wait", we grumble and complain. The Israelites did the same thing to God on their way to the promise land. And what is really cloaked under all that murmuring and whining? 

Unbelief.
And that is exactly what the Lord reveals to me in how I respond to His answers. I am such a daughter of Eve. For I am doubting Him, not trusting in God when I respond to His "No's" and "Wait" with complaining and fretting. Oh, me of little faith.

I recently journaled, " I feel like the LORD has been telling me No about lots of things lately. I need to be mindful about telling Him Yes about things."

Instead of focusing on His answers, I should be focused on my response to my Lord. My Lord.
Too often, I shamefully admit, I have said the oxymoron, "No, Lord."

Luke 6:46 says, "And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?"

So once again, I humbly bow before the King Eternal, Immortal, Invisible, the Only Wise God and surrender myself to Him.  I choose to press into my God, when my inner brat wants to pull away because I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. I look into the heart of my Saviour who bore the cross for me, whose blood washes away my sins, who loves me with an everlasting love, and rejoices over me with singing.  I kneel before my Maker, My Healer, and choose to say "Yes".

Breathe in Grace

Sunday night as my pastor was preaching, he said that if his grown son was in a car accident, the LORD would give grace to his daughter-in-law.

Snurr instantly leaned over to me and whispered loudly, "Did God give you grace, Mom?"

"Yes," I whispered with a calm, confident voice, as my brain took me back in time and rattled my soul, "God gave me grace."

He did.

He still does.

Daily.

For every situation.

It is a gift the Lord has for me each morning.

It is a choice for me to open it and receive it.

It is what I breathe in deeply
                 when I hear troubling news,
                            when I am frustrated,
                                   when I am weary,
                                            when I look into the future,
                                                     when I face another loss,
                                                              when the enemy whispers loud accusations,
                                                                          when the Lord seems silent,
                                                                                     when I must make tough decisions,
                                                                                                when I pray for a hard-hearted loved one.

Grace, I have learned, is freely given and in great heaping amounts.....
                though it is given when needed, like manna from heaven, it is provided daily,
and it is my responsibility to gather it daily and look to God in faith the next day for the next need.

Even as I type this, a concern for a loved one comes.
             I pause. I breath in deeply. I breathe in the grace of God for this moment.

I take my tears, my fears, and worry....I shakily exchange them for His grace.
I choose to trust in my Healer, my Creator, and the Lover of my soul.

I breathe deeply His abundant grace.

                                                                 
                                                                    

Worship His Holy Name

Life verse I picked out after I got saved:
Psalm 28:7  "The LORD is my strength and my shield: My heart trusted in Him and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him."

Verse that spoke to my heart this morning:
Psalm 103:1 " Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name."

Made me instantly think of song that some young ladies sang in church a little while back. Just the piano and their strong voices praising the LORD. Was very powerful! Here is the chorus and the 2nd verse that I like best:

"Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find"

Song by Matt Redman

Amen!

My Valentine

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Red and pink are everywhere! Flowers, chocolate, cards, and candy overflow the store aisles. As with many other holidays, this one for me is different this year. I smile and linger at the frenzy of the approaching lover's holiday. I don't feel like half of me this year. I am well aware of being single in a couple's world, of course. But I don't feel alone. I look at the cards and candy. I pick out some cards for my boys and get them a tasty treat, praying they will do the same for their wives someday. 

In the book Every Young Woman's Battle, the author's have a chapter titled "Falling in Love with Jesus." Three sections of that chapter are called:

• Making Jesus Your First Love
• Giving God Every Chance
• Seek Him and Find Him

Very powerful truths!!

I have blogged many times how God is enough. His word promises us so. Ps 23:1 says, "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want." Faith in Christ is not a religion! It is all about a relationship! A relationship between my heart and the heart of Christ. The Bible is His love letter to me and He gives me gifts every day. He sends flowers each spring and peaceful snow-globey snow in the winter. Every time someone gives me chocolate, I know it was Him prompting their heart to do so. I have felt the comfort of His hugs in my soul and His gentle hands wiping the sadness off my heart. He has held my hand through countless storms, but also as we've scampered forward into a new adventure.

The Lord Jesus Christ is the Lover of my soul, my ultimate valentine. He pursues me. He knows me. He loves me for me.  And what person doesn't want that?!

I will admit, it has taken me years to recognize and appreciate HOW He loves me. It is so NOT physical. It can not be felt by the skin or seen with the physical eyes. It's heart and soul communication and closeness. He takes the initiative and I respond. I seek His face and He reveals Himself to me.

This is why I say you will never find contentment and fulfillment in a love relationship until you find it in Christ. No spouse will ultimately fill you and tend to all your needs. It is humanly impossible! But Christ can do what man cannot. The Bible states in 1 John that God is love. Who better to love you? Who better to lead you to still waters to satisfy your thirst? Who better to fulfill the longings of your heart?

And like any relationship, it takes effort. You must care and tend to the relationship with trust and communication. There will be times you feel distant and you must work at drawing nearer to God. The book of James tells us to draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to us.  But no matter what we do or say that isn't right, the LORD always loves you. Always waiting with outstretched arms, ready to forgive, ready to love.......

Christ is the Ultimate Valentine!