I opened my journal there was a scripture at the top of the page. I read it and said, "Nope, not feeling it!" My voice was sharp & full of high walls and more scoffing. My words poured out on the page. Then I slammed shut my journal.
I avoided my journal and Bible for a bit. Not sure what bothered me more. The words on the pages or the scoffing in my mind. I felt like I was on the edge of a slope getting ready to slide away from the only One in the world Who could save me. And yet a part of me didn't want Him to stop me.
The division in my soul was intense, stomach churning. Words slipped out that revealed the war within. And somewhere deep inside of me, I trembled in the fear of the Lord. And yet my heart refused to cry out to Him. The old me that had been crucified twenty years before seemed to raise its resurrected head in a freaky way. And like a grotesque zombie, it was ugly. "I don't care what You think anymore." The words tumbled out of my lips, but fell on deaf ears. Almighty God knew better. It was just another lie.
My God knew under all that scoffing was a hurt daughter who felt misled and wounded by the very One who had rescued her from herself before. A mistrusting adopted daughter that needed extra firm love and time. A daughter He was holding on to that was trying to shove Him away in her pain.
I am so thankful He holds me fast and that God doesn't leave us alone like we think we want Him to. I am thankful God alerted my preacher who privately warred for me in prayer weeks before I even knew I would need it. I am thankful for a couple trustworthy sisters-in- Christ. They interceded in prayer and intervened to back me away from that slippery slope. Wisely, they dealt with me gently and spoke truth. They listened without judgement, compassionately prayed, and kept entering my turtle shell.
And so finally I humbled myself and cried out to my God. I bowed low and poured out my soul, all the ugly. I confessed all the mocking words and scoffing attitude, I laid it all at His feet. And my Jesus slew that resurrected zombie. And He whispered His eternal love and forgiveness to me. Since then He has renewed my spirit, and His Holy Word is life to me again. And with wisdom and gentle baby steps, He restored my trust in Him.
But in those dark moments of my scoffing, I felt an empathy with many who reject God's love and forgiveness. I understood how feelings can dictate what one believes even when the truth is right in front of us. And how fear of more pain can keep us from crying out to the only One who has power to heal.
It was like having a solo tour of an abandoned prison. I felt the cold hard walls. Heard the clang of the doors. Saw despair and dark shadows. Felt trapped & alone. And it opened my eyes of understanding to the unsaved. It gave me insight into the soul of the backslidden. And once again my eyes affected my heart. And similar to the grinch, my heart grew larger.
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