Eerie Calm

I recently wrote a friend,

"I feel an eerie calm. For 10 yrs this time of year has had dark clouds and stormy emotions and pain. Last year I was healed but anxious and fearful the pain would pounce on me again. This year I feel ....calm. At peace. God's Words to me on my first birthday without Jim come to me 'And I love you more than you'll ever understand. And I said this is best.' And I look to the future & smile cuz I believe Ecc. 3:11a is true, He will make everything beautiful in His time."

 

I woke up an hour late on Jim's birthday and we rushed out the door to get to church on time. What a crazy way to start the day! In church, we sang the hymn "Dwelling in Beulah Land" written by Charles Miles. Lord Jesus, You know we sang that at Jim's funeral. And You know how special the second and third verse are to me. It was like Jim was singing them. I sang along with gusto and a smile.

V2  Let the stormy breezes blow, their cry cannot alarm me; I am safely sheltered here, protected by God’s hand; Here the sun is always shining, here there’s naught can harm me; I am safe forever in Beulah Land. V3  Viewing here the works of God, I sink in contemplation; Hearing now His blessed voice, I see the way He planned; Dwelling in the Spirit, here I learn of full salvation; Gladly I will tarry in Beulah Land. Chorus I’m living on the mountain, underneath a cloudless sky, Praise God! I’m drinking at the fountain that never shall run dry; Oh, yes! I’m feasting on the manna from a bountiful supply, For I am dwelling in Beulah Land Our ladies group sang "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. This song means a lot to me. Yes, Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. The victory is won. He is risen from the dead! Our group sang it twice with a lot of heart. During the sermon Pastor said, "We believe that life is the dash between the dates on a tombstone, but life is Christ." I smile. Our memory verse in World Religions this unit was John 14:6 "And Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by Me." On the way home, "Amazing Grace" was on the radio. And I smiled. Jim sang that hymn as a lullaby. I remember him rocking his son to  sleep singing those words. But I also smiled because the Lord has held me like a child and comforted me in His arms with the same lullaby. That afternoon I made our traditional cake. For several years now, we have just purchased a store bought one. But this year it was time to make one at home again. My mind reminisced about other birthdays when Jim was here and I make him his favorite angel food cake. I thought about his last birthday with us. Weather not fit for man nor beast. Surprising him with flannel shirts. After praying with the boys, Jim going out to finish working on the van so we could go see family the next day. Him coming in that night with icicles on his beard. That next day worshipping with family. Eating at Godfather's Pizza. Talks on the way home of church family  and his desires for our family. I think of what the Lord has done in the past 12 years in my spiritual life as well as the boys'. And I smile. I also recall how he firmly told me I would not have words with an individual like I wanted to. I was to be silent and pray. I smile. I hear his words in my own voice these days when I admonish my son who has a tongue like his mother.   I won't deny Grief came knocking the night before Jim's birthday. But the Lord said, "Come here." And like a little girl, I once again climbed up into His lap, rested my head on His chest and felt His arms surround me as the tears fell and grace enveloped me. I can just see Jim smiling at my healing and looking ahead to my future and smile too. God Almighty rules in the affairs of men. I know Him and can trust Him. He has great plans for me. Though He may allow pain or destruction, I know it is all out of His love for me. He knows what I need and He promised to make everything beautiful in His time.   Sure, Grief will always have the freedom to pop in for a visit. But he has gotten smaller and weaker, and his stays are shorter and farther apart. I know tears will sometimes fall like spring showers, but I am healed.  Healed in a way I never thought possible. It is bewildering, and also a great relief. The Lord is the Great Healer and time is one of His powerful tools. So is surrender.   So I look back and remember. And smile. I look ahead into the unknown. And smile. And there is an eerie calm in my soul.