At All Times

Psalm 62:8

Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Trust.

At all times.

In everything. 

Big or small.

Pause & pour.

Share your heart with the One Who loves it most!

He is safe.

He protects. 

He is doing it now.

And will keep it up.

Trust, child, trust.  

His Love

Love this piano arrangement with lyrics of Reckless Love.

Psalm 42:8

"Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life"

He Delights in Me?

Something powerful that I read in November and continue to think upon is in Psalm 18:19 "...He delivered me because He delighted in me."

I believe the LORD loves me and accepts me. I believe I am forgiven of all my sins. But I struggled that He delights in me. When I read it in my Bible, I literally shook my head and tears came to my eyes.

I know me.

I know my thoughts and self will.

But then I reflected on the fact that I am covered by the precious blood of Jesus. And this delights my Father God. My sins, my wanderings are covered, hidden, gone, seen no more. I don't deserve His delight. But He chooses to delight in me anyway. Just like His love and forgiveness, I don't deserve it. It is all a gift from the Lover of my soul to this wayward child who is such a handful.

Then I studied more on the words "delight" and "rejoice" And Zephaniah 3:17 says “The LORD thy God is the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, He will joy over thee with singing.” Isaiah 62:4-5 speaks of "The LORD delighted in thee.." and "as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee."

After studying on it, I asked the LORD to give me grace to believe that He delights in me. And I have been running back to these verses often when I catch myself doubting this truth. Feelings are so deceptive and tossed around. I am so thankful for the Solid Rock to cling to.

Note to Self

Trust God for WHO He is...

And remember...

Identifying With Christ

Christ understands.

If you ever need to remember a truth this is it:
Christ understands.

Betrayed or wounded by a friend? He gets it. Felt forsaken? Yup, He's been there. Made to look foolish? Mocked by an enemy? Lied to? Rejected? Felt beat up? Deeply grieved? Overwhelmed by anguish & tears? Surrounded by excruciating pain? 

Oh, reader, He knows.
Christ understands.

But the opposite it true too.
You identify with Christ when you suffer.

What do you think hurt the most? 
The stripes on Christ's back or when the disciples all left Him? 

What pierced Jesus the most? 
The nails or His powerful love being rejected? 

What weighed heaviest upon His brow? 
The crown of thorns or the unbelief of those around Him?  

What was loudest, 
the silence of His Father or the accusations from the enemy?

When hurt, sorrow, rejection, or persecution come to you, remember Christ understands & you are learning to identify with Him.

2 Timothy 2:11-13

It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: If we suffer, we shall also reign with him: if we deny him, he also will deny us: If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.

Philippians 3:10

That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;

The Hardest Thing of All

This is probably the hardest post to write because it is the most personal and the most difficult to put into words. And it isn't a lesson you get taught once and get. It is more of a journey that Christ wants us to grow in. And a truth I must remind myself of.

I have already shared how when we don't forgive, we open ourselves up for attack from the enemy. Sometimes it is subtle. Sometimes it is bombarding. Either way, the enemy gains ground.
Here are more truths from Jim Logan's From Reclaiming Surrendered Ground:

• Failure to trust God in the grief and suffering of life opens us up to bitterness, and bitterness opens us up to enemy involvement.

• We give ground to the enemy when we permit him to exercise influence over us through the resentments, bitterness, and unforgiveness we allow in our lives.

• Bitterness towards God is an affront to His sovereignty. God is not accountable to us; we are accountable to Him.  

• Claim God's forgiveness for your sin; then let go of it. You have no right to hang on to that which He has forgiven.

• Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is something we do. 

• You must recognize and reject false beliefs (strongholds) if you are to remain free. Build back towers of truth and take thoughts captive

But in all this truth about the power of forgiveness, this one is the loudest: I need to forgive myself. And when I don't, I am vulnerable to the enemy.

And I struggle fiercely with this. Forgiving others can be difficult. Forgiving God isn't easy either. But forgiving myself is the hardest thing of all.

It reminds me of a bully who takes their victim's own hand and makes them punch themselves. That is basically what I let the enemy do to me when I have unforgiveness toward myself.

And it is because I believe I deserve it. And the enemy is ever ready to remind me of the evidence against me. Yet God the Almighty Judge has forgiven me! So who am I to usurp His authority and refuse to forgive myself for something He has pardoned?

And we wonder why we feel so tormented and satan has such power over us. We can't fight him when we walked into the enemy's prison camp unarmed and get in line for the torture chamber! And that is exactly what we do when we don't forgive ourselves. 

Several times over this past year the Lord has pointed at some very deep things in my soul. Deep, dark wounds that I thought I had gotten complete healing on years ago. And He revealed how the enemy still uses them as evidence against me to have footing for his lies. The roots of those lies go deep into my past. Places I don't like to visit. In April, The Lord did heart surgery on one area, and He cut away evidence the enemy had long held against me. In June, the Healer thought I was ready for more and He ripped several old lies out like weeds, roots & all. I again I bled out my eyes. But I felt such freedom deep within. Then this fall, my Jesus allowed a situation to show me once again the ground I give over when I am unforgiving. He opened my eyes to how very quickly the enemy can coax me to the edge of a slippery slope, all the while using my humanity as evidence to get me there. 

So I am learning to forgive me. The little me who wasn't brave. The young me who didn't know what to do. The rebellious teenage me who knew better and did the opposite any way. The young adult me that made repeated mistakes. And the middle age me that hasn't always learned what I think I should. 
I am learning to be more forgiving of myself. To look at my Savior for His perspective instead of mine. He continues to show me that it is all under His blood. And that He has redeemed it all. To help me grow. To help others. To glorify Him. 

Forgiving God

Yes, we need to forgive God. 
Not because He is evil or has sinned against us. God cannot sin. But the Great I Am is ultimately in charge of everything. He allows trials and hard times. And in our pain, we can become blinded to Who God really is. And the enemy is very subtle on tricking us to believe God is the enemy. Something was taken away from us or we were denied something we desired. Then we get angry and bitter against God. 

The enemy has this formula down to a science: wait for a God-ordained trial to come, blur the person's perception of God, help them interpret the situation, nurture unforgiveness to spring up, and the person is then an open target for vehement attack. 

We mistakenly think forgiveness is about others when it is really about ourselves. Jim Logan, in his book Reclaiming Surrendered Ground says the following about forgiveness:

• We will never forgive from our heart until we get in touch with the pain in our heart. 
• True forgiveness requires opening up and taking a good, honest look at what has been done no matter how much it hurts.
• Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is something we do. 
• Forgiveness is God's way of healing the deep hurts in our lives and bringing glory to God.

And there is something else forgiveness is. It is accepting the ongoing consequences. 

Early in my Christian walk, I had to forgive God for the miscarriage of my first baby. Losing my baby really shook my faith. The pain was intense and it all seemed so unfair. The Lord opens the womb. He allowed that baby to be conceived, and yet He also allowed that baby to die.  Living with empty arms was hard, very hard. Babies and baby stuff seemed to surround me. For awhile I held on to my pain and was really upset with God. Then the night came that Jim said, "I don't know what to do with you." As he walked out of the room, I realized that my unforgiveness towards God was affecting my relationship with my husband. And I knew I couldn't go to bed till God and I got this settled. It took hours, but finally I forgave God and accepted God decision. He had allowed it. And I had to live with it. Yet He would help me. No longer was I shaking my fist at Him. He could take my hand and walk with me through the pain to guide me to a place of healing.

Similar, yet different is living with the consequences of the death of my husband. This is extremely broad and deep, it would take a book to describe it all. But it is definitely continual. Not a day goes by that I don't deal with something that touches it. Raising boys, finances, house repairs, future decisions, homeschooling, vehicle issues, a son turning 18, and so much more. Accepting this life as God's plan and that it is best isn't easy. But I tremble to think were I would be, where my boys would be today if I had stayed angry at God. Forgiving God made it possible for all of us to heal. 

Now those are two big issues, but there are countless other things that we get frustrated about on a smaller scale. And all that frustration is really anger at God in disguise. Because everything ultimately crossed His desk. He limited it, and yet allowed it. For my good and His glory. But in the moment, my inner brat can't see how a sick kid, or car problems, or a fall out with a friend is good. It doesn't feel good. It hurts. And it seems down right unfair. 

But...
... shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? (Gen. 18:25b) His Word tells us He is good and doeth good. (Ps. 119:68) That all things work together for good to them that love God. (Rom. 8:28) And His Word promises He will make everything beautiful in His time. (Ecclesiastes 3:10a)

In the middle of pain and disappointment, one strong cord of truth is known: God loves me. Loves me more in one second than everyone could in a life time. I don't always like His decisions. But I know He loves me. I need to forgive Him for the times He takes away who and what I love. I need to forgive Him when He doesn't give me what I desire or think I need. And it is so needful to forgive & accept the consequences. Whatever they might be. He has grace for whatever it is. I need to trust that, in His love, He has my best interest in mind. 

Now with forgiveness comes a sweet peace that passes all understanding. It is an abundant peace that reminds me Christ will never be taken away from me and He is truly all I need. 

When You Can't Trust God

We are human and see through human eyes. And sometimes we will feel like God led us astray. That He led us down a wrong alley full of danger and pain. Our trust gets rattled. We struggle to discern His leading in our lives and we struggle to trust Him, period.

But in all that distrust, keep talking to God anyway. You will find out He is gently holding you, even when you are kicking to get away. He knows under the anger is tears and that we push away to try to get away from the pain that is locked inside us.

What should we do when we are struggling to trust God?

• Turn to people you know God has used to guide you in your past. Trusted counselors like your pastor, parents, and prayer partners. Look to them in discerning issues and God's direction until you grow strong again. 
• Go back to the last thing you are certain God said to you.
• Don't do anything rash. Don't make any big decisions. You don't want regrets.
• Guard your tongue, especially as a parent. It is okay to honestly tell your kids you are struggling to discern God right now. But don't dump your emotions on them that you feel like you can't trust God anymore. God IS trustworthy; we are the ones that struggle to follow or struggle to understand.
• Read through Psalms. Scan it for the verses with the base word "trust" in them. Mark them. Read them. Reread them. Read them outloud. They might be hard to believe. Ask God to help you believe. 
• Get alone with God. We live in a society that doesn't take time for solitude. Get off the phone. Turn off the tv and music. Just be still. And share it all with God. Pour out your heart. And then listen. There is so much the Lord wants to share if we would just stop all the busy and take time for Him. 
• Remind yourself of what you DO believe. That God is real. That Jesus raised from the grave. That He forgives sin. List what you believe. Say them. Build up in your heart again what you know to be true, then ask God to help your unbelief. 
• Keep your eyes and heart open. The Lord will baby step you back into trusting Him. One little decision after another, He will show you that you were listening to the Holy Spirit. Be patient. He has much to teach you and infinite ways to have you grow in your knowledge of Him. 

Drowning in Spiritual Attack

Stubbornly, I clench my unforgiveness. The enemy smiles and opens fire. An onslaught of accusations and lies bombard my mind. Arrow after arrow fly & skillfully hit their mark. My shield seems to shrink and my armor clatters to the ground. Wounded and bleeding, I collapse. Rattled by the fierce attack, I barely resist the enemy as he grabs me by the throat and hurls me into an angry sea. And then impatiently, he awaits for me to drown. The waves come over me and I gasp for oxygen. I kick and punch the water. A part of me wants to cry out to my Rescuer, Jesus. Another part of me is so furious that I would push Him away if He comes close. The rest of me fights between what I know to be true and my soul that shakes its head in unbelief. I gasp in a small breath of grace quickly before another waves plunges onto me. I hear the taunts of the enemy from the shore. And I feel myself getting weaker and sinking.
Ever felt like this spiritually?  What do you do? You feel so weak.

• Cry out to Jesus. He is mighty to save. No long prayers needed. Just a simple cry of "Mommy!" will awaken a sleeping mother to rush down the hall in the dead of night. How much more powerful is whispering Jesus' name in desperation & faith.
• Picture His powerful blood protectively covering you. 
• Say yes to His grace. He already has it for you. Open your clenched fist.
• Play godly Christian music. Play it all night if need be. The enemy can't stand music that worships Christ.
• Read Psalms outloud. Notice how much warfare is in it and how many times God delivered.
• Don't isolate yourself. Call a trusted friend, text them, email them, reach out in some way to at least one or two Christian friends. Simply text an "!" to them.
• Journal, draw, play piano, exercise, whatever is your therapy; do it! As long as it is healthy and it doesn't draw you away from Christ.
• Times of seclusion are ok, sometimes we need to turtle up to process, but also make yourself keep going to church activities. Say yes to that lunch date with a friend. Attend that surprise birthday party . You just might hear from God on the quiet drive home. 
• Keep talking to Jesus. He can handle your ugly, your dark, your fury. Just keep talking to Him. 
• Surrender whatever you are holding on to that isn't Christ. Let it go! Unforgiveness, hurts, regrets, "what if's", unbelief, mistrust. Surrender and He will lift you up.
• Remember this: Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees. Cuz it isn't about who we are, it is about Whose we are. Though we may feel like we will drown, we shall not. The Lord didn't let Peter drown. The ship the Lord was on didn't sink. He will hold me fast and His powerful Holy Spirit dwells within the believer. 
• Hold on to hope. Every battle ends eventually. Peace will come within. It will wrap around you like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. Hope in God; His abundant peace shall come. 

A couple weeks ago my pastor preached about battles. Here are my sermon notes:
The Israelites were recently released slaves that had never known battle and yet won their first battle against a well-trained army, the Amalekites. When a Christian gets free of spiritual bondage, they can defeat the well trained & and experienced enemy's spiritual army. You have the Holy Spirit Warrior God in you!
Some battles we face are consequences of a bad decision. We all make bad decisions. But God is willing to help Joshua get out of the mess he got himself into. He didn't check with God before making a league withe the Gideonites. Yet God fought for Israel against the five kings that warred with Gibeon. Israel fought against an enemy they couldn't defeat, but Almighty God was going to have them win. Joshua commanded the sun to stand still and it did! This teaches us to start praying God-sized prayers and claim God-sized promises. 
These attacks are a reminder a day is coming when there will be no more storms, attacks, and night. We are in God's will when we are in the midst of battle. During times of peace, guard against deception. Sanctify yourselves. Get ready for battle.

Identifying with Others: Scoffing

I read the Bible verse and something inside me scoffed, "Yeah, right." A part of me shivered in fear of God. Another part of me want to egg myself on to say more. I shut my Bible and climbed out of bed. "This is so not me," I thought. 
I opened my journal there was a scripture at the top of the page. I read it and said, "Nope, not feeling it!" My voice was sharp & full of high walls and more scoffing. My words poured out on the page. Then I slammed shut my journal.
I avoided my journal and Bible for a bit. Not sure what bothered me more. The words on the pages or the scoffing in my mind. I felt like I was on the edge of a slope getting ready to slide away from the only One in the world Who could save me. And yet a part of me didn't want Him to stop me.
The division in my soul was intense, stomach churning. Words slipped out that revealed the war within. And somewhere deep inside of me, I trembled in the fear of the Lord. And yet my heart refused to cry out to Him. The old me that had been crucified twenty years before seemed to raise its resurrected head in a freaky way. And like a grotesque zombie, it was ugly. "I don't care what You think anymore." The words tumbled out of my lips, but fell on deaf ears. Almighty God knew better. It was just another lie.
My God knew under all that scoffing was a hurt daughter who felt misled and wounded by the very One who had rescued her from herself before. A mistrusting adopted daughter that needed extra firm love and time. A daughter He was holding on to that was trying to shove Him away in her pain.
I am so thankful He holds me fast and that God doesn't leave us alone like we think we want Him to. I am thankful God alerted my preacher who privately warred for me in prayer weeks before I even knew I would need it. I am thankful for a couple trustworthy sisters-in- Christ. They interceded in prayer and intervened to back me away from that slippery slope. Wisely, they dealt with me gently and spoke truth. They listened without judgement, compassionately prayed, and kept entering my turtle shell. 
And so finally I humbled myself and cried out to my God. I bowed low and poured out my soul, all the ugly. I confessed all the mocking words and scoffing attitude, I laid it all at His feet. And my Jesus slew that resurrected zombie. And He whispered His eternal love and forgiveness to me. Since then He has renewed my spirit, and His Holy Word is life to me again. And with wisdom and gentle baby steps, He restored my trust in Him. 
But in those dark moments of my scoffing, I felt an empathy with many who reject God's love and forgiveness. I understood how feelings can dictate what one believes even when the truth is right in front of us. And how fear of more pain can keep us from crying out to the only One who has power to heal.

It was like having a solo tour of an abandoned prison. I felt the cold hard walls. Heard the clang of the doors. Saw despair and dark shadows. Felt trapped & alone. And it opened my eyes of understanding to the unsaved. It gave me insight into the soul of the backslidden. And once again my eyes affected my heart. And similar to the grinch, my heart grew larger.