Tears & Turtling Up

I feel like I am in water & drifting into a place that is deep. Emotions are going into deep places within me. Tears flow quick & without explaination. It isn't one thing. It is 15 million reasons and most of those don't have words.

And I find myself turtling up. Wanting to shut others out. And yet feeling the sting of loneliness. The people I want  to talk to, I can't. Those who would understand without a spoken word, aren't here. The hugs I long for are impossible this side of heaven.
I know I need to draw close to God. I need Him so much. His strength. His comfort. His peace. His hugs. His understanding. His power. His wisdom.
God has answered some amazing prayers last week. And blessed me and the boys in simple, yet needful ways. He has faithfully carried us through so much. I am very thankful.
And yet tears come....cuz reality is grief doesn't disappear when the sun shines. And milestones & family pictures have important people missing.
But I am also an armorbearer. An intercessor. And the enemy doesn't take a day off.  He is seeking whom he may devour. There are some intense needs and battles going on in the lives of others right now. Duty & love calls me to the front lines even when my heart has its own sorrow.
So I suit up, fight on my knees, war in prayer, and then pull into my turtle shell and let the tears run their rivers. The Lord knows. He sees. He cares. He collects the tears. And He holds me.