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So for the past three months I have turtled up. I have grieved personally and privately. Everyone grieves differently. Here are a few of the things that I have done to endure my grief. I bought a sequins pillow that has a purple heart on it. It's kind of too girly girly for me, but it reminded me of my talks with Nana. Often when I went to talk to her I would play with the sequins pillow that was by her chair. A friend of mine calls it a girl therapy pillow and I guess it is. I would rub it back and forth making the picture appear and disappear as we talked, sometimes those talks were deep heart-to-heart ones and other times we just shared funny memories. So I bought myself a sequins pillow, my own therapy pillow. On the opposite side, I wrote a Bible verse that was special to me that I had shared with Nana.
Another thing I have done is I went and visited Nana's memorial stone. I knew I needed to go see it even though it required a long drive. I placed two small stones on her stone under her name. Leaving a stone at the grave last longer than flowers and when someone visits they know someone had been there. It's very comforting to know someone else remembers your loved one and misses them too. One of the stones I left was black and shiny. The boys had found it when they were rock picking. I also placed a very smooth stone there. This stone was special to me. Jesus knows why and maybe Nana knows why now too. Besides putting flowers or stones, what do people do when they visit their loved one's grave? Many things. Clean it off. Remember special times. Say what never got said. It is different for everyone. For me I just needed to pause life and let myself grieve. I sat quietly a while. I talking with God a while. I sang a lil bit. I freely let the tears flow.
As I was sitting by the memorial stone, a small little butterfly landed on my foot. It just rested a little while and then fluttered away. Then it returned. Butterflies always remind me of 1 Peter 5:10 because of how they struggle to come out of their chrystalis, but their struggles causes them to be able to soar. After the tears stopped and the butterfly no longer visited, I went and laid under the lone pine tree for a little while. I listened to the breeze blow through its branches and just took in God's presence, faithfulness, and comfort. Then it was time to drive away with a great peace inside. It was good to go. Very healing. Cleansing. Just me taking care of business I needed to take care of.
Our first big family reunion without Nana looms ahead. I am looking forward to gathering together with family, but there's going to be some hard times; someone special is missing. There will be no big hug from Nana. No special talks. And her voice will not blend with ours during the hymn sing. I expect there will be times my love for Nana will leak out of my eyes and memories will roll down my cheeks. But overall I'm feeling stronger, more in tune with God. Held. And I know the Lord will carry us through.
