Violet

Precious.

Beautiful.

Delicate. 

Gone too soon.

Once again I miss someone I haven't even met.

The familar ache hits & love bleeds out my eyes.

You made me a nana. 

The pain of losing you does not diminish the joy of the day I learned you were coming. 

The day the Redeemer reminded me that HE redeems even the saddest days.   

Even if it is 22 years later. 

Then came the text for prayer. And seeing missed phone calls. I called Snipp & fell to my knees when we feared you, lil Violet, were leaving. We prayed.

I wept as I felt the truth hit me. But I dared to deny it and hope. 

Another phone call. You were gone.....early flight to heaven. So many welcomed you. All who my heartaches for and many others. 

But back here, my heart shattered. Once again, I couldn't stop the pain from slicing into my son. And my daughter was attacked inwardly & outwardly. I felt so helpless. My nana heart grieved empty arms and my mama heart backflashed to blood and guilt and the loneliest grief.

I prayed. I breathed. I cried. I repeated these three over and over. I felt emotions rollercoaster and bumper car into others. 

I sought the Redeemer's face and held tight to His love: for this son and daughter, for my other sons, for me, for you,Violet...

I walked forward & fell to my knees. Yes, I will still praise, You, Lord.

Even when it hurts. And it hides Your plan. 

But that doesn't mean I don't cry. And that I don't long to hold you, Violet, my first grandchild. 

You are so loved. So very loved, Violet Everly. 

And missed.

The Suit Coat

 Snipp and Beauty had a wonderful and joyous wedding!

God was glorified. And the sacredness of matrimony was honored. 

These two jewels had done things God's Way and it was a huge blessing to be a part of it. 

I had proud mama tears for both of them. I love them so much. 

But other tears came full force at times. 

I know my beloved Jim is in Heaven and that is where he is suppose to be.

But that doesn't stop my heart from longing to reach for his hand as our son said his vows. 

Missing him standing by my side at the receiving line.

Or missing hearing his laughter and seeing his proud daddy smile as his son kissed his beloved. 

Jim's suit coat hung on the back of a chair in the memorial row. Some flowers and a picture of him and Snipp sat on the seat. Walking in and hanging it on the seat was the hardest thing I did on rehearsal day.

The hardest thing on the wedding day was removing that suit coat from that seat after everything was over. I tried not to sob. Tears I could control. But I didn't want to sob. I tried to hold my head high. The way he would have wanted me to. The way my sons would be proud of me. But as I neared my sister-in-law, the sobs escaped....she held me tight. I thought I might go down. Then she turned me to the car and with her arm around me, we finished the walk to the car. I carefully folded the suit coat and gently laid it on top of the picture of Snipp and his daddy. Another hug from my sister-in-law. Another from my cousin....so many people missing....Dad Scott, Jim, Nana, and several from Beauty's side. I hate death. 

On the way home, Snapp asked me about the suit coat. "It is the one your dad wore at our wedding," I told him. "Well, no wonder it got you," he said. It wasn't so much the suit coat as much as who it symbolized: the greatest man in the world who knew me through and through, but loved me deeply and completely anyway. My dearest and best friend who believed in me. Jim vowed to love me through anything and be faithful till death parted us. He kept his vow. I had the love of a life time with him. It was an amazingly deep level of love few couples reach. Feeling the overwhelming ache of his absence 15.5 years later at our son's wedding, I sobbed as if Jim had just been ripped freshly from my side...yeah, deep love does that to you. 

The pain is real and sharp and gut wrenching....but, oh, what a privilege to experience such sacred and precious love.  

A Mother's Life on Display

So Beauty told me of the most precious thing. 

Her mom let her take the pearls off of her own wedding dress to decorate Beauty's wedding gown. 

What a picture of a mama's sacrifice? 

We take what is special and sacred to us and trim it and give it to our children. 

We take what is beautiful in our lives and gladly give it up to make our children's lives beautiful. 

And now you all can now why Beauty is called Beauty. 

Her mama who I will call Self-Sacrifice poured into her daughter all that is beautiful in her life. 

Beauty couldn't help but be Beautiful with a mama like that. 

Snipp & Beauty

Once upon a time there was a little boy who loved tractors and who loved his dad. 

When the little boy cried the dad walked with him or rocked him and said, " It's okay. It's okay. Dad's gotcha.  Daddy's gotcha."

 Every day close to when his daddy would come home the little boy with anticipation would wait for the sound of the vehicle in the driveway. Then with delight in his eyes and a smile that reached deep to the depths of his soul, he would exclaim, "Daddy's home!" And his daddy would walk in the house and shout, "Dad's home!" and give his son hugs and the mom hugs too. Time marched on. The bond between the little boy and his daddy was strong. The little boy was his dad's buddy and the dad was the little boy's best friend. 

Then one awful winter day, the daddy didn't come home. He tried. But God had different plans. It was the daddy's appointed time to die. The little boy was heartbroken. His world shattered into billions of pieces. Grief and anger filled the little boy where joy had been. The days were long. The nights even longer. His mom tried her best, but she wasn't the daddy. 

Finally in time light came into the darkness. It didn't hurt to breathe or live without the daddy like it once had. In time the anger melted away. God the Father was parenting the boy now. God picked up each piece and used it to make a beautiful mosaic displaying His faithfulness and care. He taught the boy many things through His Word, through his church family, through extended family, and through many books. The boy grew to be a man. 

A man that loved God and let God be His God. Then the man began to notice things of beauty around him: sunlight on the chaff of grain making it look like glitter, rows of freshly cultivated soil, sunsets, and sunrises. 

Then he noticed the beauty in the eyes of a long time friend.  The sparkle in her eyes when she smiled captivated him. He was drawn to her beautiful soul that loved the Lord. So he sought counsel from the godly men the Father had put in his life. He began to court her. 

Then the reckoning came. He knew he had found the one whom his soul loved. One day he drove the young beauty to a sacred spot, the spot where the daddy had died. In that precious moment God's Word in Ecclesiastes 3:11 hung unspoken in the air. "He hath made every thing beautiful in His time." Later the man took the young beauty to the cemetery. There were no tears or talks. Just tending to the ground, giving it a spring raking. But they did it together. The man and the young beauty. No words again. But in the young man's heart he wanted her to be close to the daddy as if to say, " Daddy, this is the one." 

Snipp and Beauty are now engaged. And his mama smiles and cries because he once again has a look of delight in his eyes and a smile that goes deep into his soul. And he once again has a best friend. 

Lessons for Teenagers

 Tired of your parents getting on your case?

Want to be treated like an adult?

 Here is a quick way to make it happen.

 Act like an Adult.

 Seriously, you might be a teenager, but you can act like an adult.

Most adults will respect you more for it. And treat you as an adult. Most of the time. There are many ways to act like an adult. But I will just list 3 that first come to mind:

·    Be Responsible

·        Take Initiative

·        Discipline yourself

Be responsible. You forgot the towels in the washer and now they smell musty. Rewash them. Take responsibility for what you forgot and make it right. Pretty simple. Be responsible for what you do wrong or what you failed to do right.

Take initiative. In other words, do what needs done BEFORE being told. Your clothes are in a laundry basket and need to go to your room. Take them there BEFORE your mom has to tell you. The trick is to do what you know your parent would tell you to do, but do it BEFORE they tell you to.

Discipline yourself. This one is tough. But if you stay up too late and oversleep the next morning. Discipline yourself to go to sleep earlier. You failed a science test. Discipline yourself to study the next chapter better.

Teenagers dislike being told what to do and they dislike being disciplined. 

So 1.) do what should be done before being told to do it and 2.) discipline yourself so your authority doesn’t have to. 

You do these two things and then start being responsible, adults will treat you like an adult (most of the time) because you will be acting like an adult.

 

Lessons I Have Learned as Mom of Teenagers

Keep them talking.

Love them where they are at.

Pick your battles.

The Lord must increase.

I must decrease. 

Trust the Lord. 

Breathe. 

Morning Kisses

Years ago I wrote a post called Kisses From God . I encourage you to read it. Then return here. 

Kisses underneath a beautiful breathtaking star-filled sky are different than early morning kisses when hair is messy and dragon's breath escapes through dry lips. Early morning kisses are the I-really-do-love-all-of-you kisses. Over 15 years have passed, but not a birthday goes by that I don't remember being just barely conscience and being told Happy Birthday and feeling my Jim's lips on my face. It made me feel so cherished. So known inside and out. And still loved. Flaws and failures known. And still treated like a treasure. 

This week as I pitter-pattered down the hallway to make sure Snipp was waking up for work, I caught a glimpse of a beautiful sunrise. I stopped and stared. It was breathtaking. Pink and orange and just mesmerizing. And within my soul I felt like I had been kissed on the cheek by God. I just stood there for several moments not wanting to break the tenderness of the moment.  I felt so loved, deeply loved, cherished, treasured. It was unexpected and made me smile. After I checked on Snipp, and started breakfast, I slipped outside to take another look. All the colors had faded away. The sky looked like it was going to be completely cloudy and dreary all day. 

I stepped back inside and smiled. How personal is God to you? And when I say God, I am meaning the God of the Bible. The Almighty One who made heaven and earth. The One Who Is Love Who sent His Son to die for you. For me. This God is so personal. 

The next morning I hit snooze. Half awake and with anticipation I pitter pattered down the hallway again. I caught the very end of a much less dazzling sunrise, but it was still pretty. Still a reminder of how personal God is. I am human and will surely sleep past sunrise sometime soon. For now though, I am enjoying these early morning moments, just my Creator and me.

The words to the song I'm Amazed echo in my mind.

Words & music by Cary Schmidt & Steve Amerson 

©2001 Steve Amerson Music & Cary Schmidt (BMI) 

In God’s heart there’s space 

That I was made to fill 

I find amazing grace 

When I’m found within His will 

He’s reserved a sacred place 

Where we can spend the day 

He is waiting there for me 

Inviting me to stay 

And every day I’m amazed 

That God would spend the day with me 

I’m overwhelmed by His ways 

That He could feel such love for me 

To Him I’m worth saving 

And my heart is craving

To know Him in His righteousness 

And understand His ways 

Everyday, in every way 

I’m amazed 

In my heart there’s space 

That only God can fill 

He covers my disgrace 

With the blood that Jesus spilled 

And He invites me to a place 

Where we can spend the day

He is waiting there for me 

Inviting me to stay