When You Can't Trust God

We are human and see through human eyes. And sometimes we will feel like God led us astray. That He led us down a wrong alley full of danger and pain. Our trust gets rattled. We struggle to discern His leading in our lives and we struggle to trust Him, period.

But in all that distrust, keep talking to God anyway. You will find out He is gently holding you, even when you are kicking to get away. He knows under the anger is tears and that we push away to try to get away from the pain that is locked inside us.

What should we do when we are struggling to trust God?

• Turn to people you know God has used to guide you in your past. Trusted counselors like your pastor, parents, and prayer partners. Look to them in discerning issues and God's direction until you grow strong again. 
• Go back to the last thing you are certain God said to you.
• Don't do anything rash. Don't make any big decisions. You don't want regrets.
• Guard your tongue, especially as a parent. It is okay to honestly tell your kids you are struggling to discern God right now. But don't dump your emotions on them that you feel like you can't trust God anymore. God IS trustworthy; we are the ones that struggle to follow or struggle to understand.
• Read through Psalms. Scan it for the verses with the base word "trust" in them. Mark them. Read them. Reread them. Read them outloud. They might be hard to believe. Ask God to help you believe. 
• Get alone with God. We live in a society that doesn't take time for solitude. Get off the phone. Turn off the tv and music. Just be still. And share it all with God. Pour out your heart. And then listen. There is so much the Lord wants to share if we would just stop all the busy and take time for Him. 
• Remind yourself of what you DO believe. That God is real. That Jesus raised from the grave. That He forgives sin. List what you believe. Say them. Build up in your heart again what you know to be true, then ask God to help your unbelief. 
• Keep your eyes and heart open. The Lord will baby step you back into trusting Him. One little decision after another, He will show you that you were listening to the Holy Spirit. Be patient. He has much to teach you and infinite ways to have you grow in your knowledge of Him. 

Drowning in Spiritual Attack

Stubbornly, I clench my unforgiveness. The enemy smiles and opens fire. An onslaught of accusations and lies bombard my mind. Arrow after arrow fly & skillfully hit their mark. My shield seems to shrink and my armor clatters to the ground. Wounded and bleeding, I collapse. Rattled by the fierce attack, I barely resist the enemy as he grabs me by the throat and hurls me into an angry sea. And then impatiently, he awaits for me to drown. The waves come over me and I gasp for oxygen. I kick and punch the water. A part of me wants to cry out to my Rescuer, Jesus. Another part of me is so furious that I would push Him away if He comes close. The rest of me fights between what I know to be true and my soul that shakes its head in unbelief. I gasp in a small breath of grace quickly before another waves plunges onto me. I hear the taunts of the enemy from the shore. And I feel myself getting weaker and sinking.
Ever felt like this spiritually?  What do you do? You feel so weak.

• Cry out to Jesus. He is mighty to save. No long prayers needed. Just a simple cry of "Mommy!" will awaken a sleeping mother to rush down the hall in the dead of night. How much more powerful is whispering Jesus' name in desperation & faith.
• Picture His powerful blood protectively covering you. 
• Say yes to His grace. He already has it for you. Open your clenched fist.
• Play godly Christian music. Play it all night if need be. The enemy can't stand music that worships Christ.
• Read Psalms outloud. Notice how much warfare is in it and how many times God delivered.
• Don't isolate yourself. Call a trusted friend, text them, email them, reach out in some way to at least one or two Christian friends. Simply text an "!" to them.
• Journal, draw, play piano, exercise, whatever is your therapy; do it! As long as it is healthy and it doesn't draw you away from Christ.
• Times of seclusion are ok, sometimes we need to turtle up to process, but also make yourself keep going to church activities. Say yes to that lunch date with a friend. Attend that surprise birthday party . You just might hear from God on the quiet drive home. 
• Keep talking to Jesus. He can handle your ugly, your dark, your fury. Just keep talking to Him. 
• Surrender whatever you are holding on to that isn't Christ. Let it go! Unforgiveness, hurts, regrets, "what if's", unbelief, mistrust. Surrender and He will lift you up.
• Remember this: Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees. Cuz it isn't about who we are, it is about Whose we are. Though we may feel like we will drown, we shall not. The Lord didn't let Peter drown. The ship the Lord was on didn't sink. He will hold me fast and His powerful Holy Spirit dwells within the believer. 
• Hold on to hope. Every battle ends eventually. Peace will come within. It will wrap around you like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. Hope in God; His abundant peace shall come. 

A couple weeks ago my pastor preached about battles. Here are my sermon notes:
The Israelites were recently released slaves that had never known battle and yet won their first battle against a well-trained army, the Amalekites. When a Christian gets free of spiritual bondage, they can defeat the well trained & and experienced enemy's spiritual army. You have the Holy Spirit Warrior God in you!
Some battles we face are consequences of a bad decision. We all make bad decisions. But God is willing to help Joshua get out of the mess he got himself into. He didn't check with God before making a league withe the Gideonites. Yet God fought for Israel against the five kings that warred with Gibeon. Israel fought against an enemy they couldn't defeat, but Almighty God was going to have them win. Joshua commanded the sun to stand still and it did! This teaches us to start praying God-sized prayers and claim God-sized promises. 
These attacks are a reminder a day is coming when there will be no more storms, attacks, and night. We are in God's will when we are in the midst of battle. During times of peace, guard against deception. Sanctify yourselves. Get ready for battle.

Identifying with Others: Scoffing

I read the Bible verse and something inside me scoffed, "Yeah, right." A part of me shivered in fear of God. Another part of me want to egg myself on to say more. I shut my Bible and climbed out of bed. "This is so not me," I thought. 
I opened my journal there was a scripture at the top of the page. I read it and said, "Nope, not feeling it!" My voice was sharp & full of high walls and more scoffing. My words poured out on the page. Then I slammed shut my journal.
I avoided my journal and Bible for a bit. Not sure what bothered me more. The words on the pages or the scoffing in my mind. I felt like I was on the edge of a slope getting ready to slide away from the only One in the world Who could save me. And yet a part of me didn't want Him to stop me.
The division in my soul was intense, stomach churning. Words slipped out that revealed the war within. And somewhere deep inside of me, I trembled in the fear of the Lord. And yet my heart refused to cry out to Him. The old me that had been crucified twenty years before seemed to raise its resurrected head in a freaky way. And like a grotesque zombie, it was ugly. "I don't care what You think anymore." The words tumbled out of my lips, but fell on deaf ears. Almighty God knew better. It was just another lie.
My God knew under all that scoffing was a hurt daughter who felt misled and wounded by the very One who had rescued her from herself before. A mistrusting adopted daughter that needed extra firm love and time. A daughter He was holding on to that was trying to shove Him away in her pain.
I am so thankful He holds me fast and that God doesn't leave us alone like we think we want Him to. I am thankful God alerted my preacher who privately warred for me in prayer weeks before I even knew I would need it. I am thankful for a couple trustworthy sisters-in- Christ. They interceded in prayer and intervened to back me away from that slippery slope. Wisely, they dealt with me gently and spoke truth. They listened without judgement, compassionately prayed, and kept entering my turtle shell. 
And so finally I humbled myself and cried out to my God. I bowed low and poured out my soul, all the ugly. I confessed all the mocking words and scoffing attitude, I laid it all at His feet. And my Jesus slew that resurrected zombie. And He whispered His eternal love and forgiveness to me. Since then He has renewed my spirit, and His Holy Word is life to me again. And with wisdom and gentle baby steps, He restored my trust in Him. 
But in those dark moments of my scoffing, I felt an empathy with many who reject God's love and forgiveness. I understood how feelings can dictate what one believes even when the truth is right in front of us. And how fear of more pain can keep us from crying out to the only One who has power to heal.

It was like having a solo tour of an abandoned prison. I felt the cold hard walls. Heard the clang of the doors. Saw despair and dark shadows. Felt trapped & alone. And it opened my eyes of understanding to the unsaved. It gave me insight into the soul of the backslidden. And once again my eyes affected my heart. And similar to the grinch, my heart grew larger.

Forgiving Others

"If you have ever seen a country church with a bell in the steeple, you will remember that to get the bell ringing you have to tug awhile. Once it has begun to ring, you merely maintain the momentum. As long as you keep pulling, the bell keeps ringing. Forgiveness is letting go of the rope. It is just that simple. But when you do so, the bell keeps ringing. Momentum is still at work. However, if you keep your hands off the rope, the bell will begin to slow and eventually stop.”- Corrie ten Boom, Holocaust survivor, Christian author & speaker
The Lord commands us several times throughout scripture to forgive others:

• Matthew 11:21-22 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
• Matthew 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
• Colossians 3:13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
• Luke 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
• Mark 11:25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
• Ephesians 4 :32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
  

And we are commanded to do this, to forgive, or be handed over to tormentors. Read in Matthew 18: 21-35 the story of the servant who was forgiven much who was unforgiving to his fellow servant. The Key verses are 34 & 35:

“And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.”

We have been forgiven by our Holy & Just God. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from others? Forgiven people need to forgive or scripture is clear, we will be handed over to the tormentors. 

Most of us would not consider ourselves to be bitter. And bitterness is something us Christians try to avoid. Bitterness has been compared to poison or cancer. But reality is bitterness is simply unforgiveness. I used to believe that bitterness was unresolved unforgiveness. Or unforgiveness that sat and fermented into stenchy garbage that attracted rats also know as the enemy. But the above scripture clearly says the servant's unforgiveness is what caused him to be delivered to the tormentors. 

So for all the separation I want to make between bitterness & unforgiveness. They are the same. Bitterness used to send warning bells off within me. Danger! Unforgiveness sounds softer rolling off the tongue but it is truly flat dangerous! And when you have been forgiven for as many things as I have, and you choose not to forgive...you find yourself quickly surrounded by tormentors. And must learn the hard way the great danger of unforgiveness. 

So ask God for help in letting go of the rope of unforgiveness and keeping your hands off that rope. The Lord help Corrie ten Boom forgive a guard from the horrible concentration camp where her beloved sister died. He can surely help us forgive others. 

Identifying with Others: Anguish

Stab. Stab. Stab. Twist.
Like a knife stabbing our heart, again and again, emotional pain can feel so physical. Our stomaches knot up, our head aches, it hurts to breath, to think, to move.

And be honest, dear reader, anguish grips our soul in such a way we wish those who hurt us would hurt too. As humans, we desire others to understand the depth and sharpness of our pain. We want them to feel it so they regret the words or actions that hurt and so they never do it to us or anyone else again. 

We know scripture talks about how we are not to render evil for evil and vengeance is the Lord's place, not ours. But I am being real about how in our pain, we are not spiritually minded. Pain is very blinding. And many of us want others to feel what we are going through. And the Lord in His wisdom struck me with this truth....

Those that hurt us already know excruciating pain. 
Read that again. The anguish of heart and soul we feel, they have already bled through. The details are different. But all pain hurts. Period. I am going to type it again; those that hurt us already know excruciating pain. And my hardness against others melts. And I bow my head. In shame. In prayer. In compassion.

We forget when our pain is loud & demanding that others know pain just as much as we do. And our desire to shut everyone out & not let a soul near us is the very reason why many people keep us walled out. The fear we feel to trust is what others have felt for years. And it is the very reason they have cemented their hearts so tight against others, even against Christ. Instead of being a Thomas Kincaid cottage with warmth & light flooding out their windows, they are like Alcatraz, cold and dreary with high walls and bars. 

The next time someone hurts you (and there will be a next time, we are human) try to remember they have been hurt too. It will help you deal with them, in life & in your heart. Now I am not saying you can't or shouldn't have boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, needful, & necessary. And some people who have hurt you are toxic and shouldn't have any place in your life. But how we view them in our heart is important. 

God doesn't waste anything. Not even pain. He is the Redeemer. And He redeems our brokeness & sorrow, and helps us see others in a different light. Lamentations 3:51a says "Mine eye has affected my heart..." Viewing others as people who know excruciating pain helps grow our compassion for them and softens us to forgive. It helps us love others, even our enemies, like Christ loves us. 

Lessons

This fall, the Lord once again has taken me through another season of intense learning. It has not been fun, but it has been very educational. 

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. Psalm 119:71

Through it all, I have grown to love my Jesus all the more and to connect with Him in some new ways. The Lord has also helped me identify with others and have greater compassion for them. And I have learned the power of forgiveness and the preciousness of the peace of God. It will probably take several posts and many days to get all these lessons written. But I don't want these truths to fall wasted to the ground. And when the next pop quiz comes, I don't want to fail and have to do a another retake!

!

I heard Francie Taylor this fall and she shared the coolest thing. A dear praying friend told her to text her an "!" if she needed pray. No explanation needed. Just one button then hit send. Just awesome idea cuz sometimes it is so hard to ask for prayer. And sometimes you can't talk or even know what to text. Sometimes it is just so private and personal. Or the tears and sobs are so overwhelming you can't do anything else. So I share this with every sister I know.  

I have used the "!" cry for prayer twice now. It has been such a blessing. The quick reply I got instantly was encouragement that I wasn't alone. Someone was praying on my behalf.

The first time after I heard a reply I was silent and just wept and prayed through. When the storm had past I updated my friend about the situation.

The next time I text "!" for prayer, my friend and I text back and forth for an hour.  I was dealing with an overwhelming grief wave that bordered on a panic attack. The sobs came so hard & the pain was so intense I could barely breath. The constant contact helped me immensely. Finally I could breath normally. And eventually the tears stopped. Then I fell asleep. Peacefully. 

Use it, my friend. "!" Tell your praying friends and encourage & pray for one another. Satan doesn't want us to reach out. It can be hard, I know. But ask God who to text & then reach out.