Who do you say that I am?

Gospel of Matthew 16:15 "He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?"

Dear Reader, who do you say Jesus is? 

Who do I believe Jesus to be? 

God in the flesh 
Who took my beating for me 
and was put on my cross because of my sin 
and died in place of me. 

To me Jesus is:

• The Ultimate Valentine
• My Healer
• My Absolute Best Friend
• My Judge
• My Defender
• My Redeemer
• My Saviour
• My Strength
• My Hope
• Father to the Fatherless
• Head of our school
• Good Shepherd
• My Counselor
• My Provider
• Giver of wisdom
• The One who understands
• My Guardian
• Almighty Creator
• My Escape
• My Peace
• My Encourager
• Keeper of my heart
• My Restorer
• The Lifter of my head
• My joy

Matthew Henry said this about Matt 16:15

"It is possible for men to have good thoughts of Christ, and yet not right ones, a high opinion of him, and yet not high enough."

"Christ reveals His mind to his people gradually, and lets in light as they can bear it."

"When He found them (His disciples) knowing in one truth, He taught them another."

Amen!

Quiet Trust

Snow-globey snow!

My favorite.

Covers everything in white cotton candy fluff.

So beautiful.

Captivating.

I linger outside a long time. 

I visit Jim's grave.

I walk around my yard enjoying the night.

I thank the Lord for His many blessings:

The snow, each fat flake, a reminder of the precious, and loving thoughts my Jesus has for me. 

Quietness of the night.

My home.

My three sons, unique as each flake, and precious. 

Answered prayers.

Some small. Some huge. 

And God's protection from almosts that didn't happen.

I lingered in prayer like I lingered in the snow. Not much left to say. Listening for God to speak. Feeling His presence. His peace. His contentment. Waiting for Him to share something with my heart. 

The only words that come to mind:

Quiet Trust.

A stillness in the soul as I reviewed the day, remembering the difficulties and victories. And recognizing the Lord sovereignty and the promises He kept. 

I feel as safe and as held and as content as I used to feel over 14 years ago in my beloved's arms. Tonight though I am wrapped in a blanket of peace, nestled close to my Saviour. 

I sigh deeply and smile.

Yes, quiet trust. 

Amen!

Precious Words of Life:

Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us...

Titus 3:5

Amen!

Gentle Snow

Gentle snow falls. Tiny fine flakes. Calm. Beautiful. Not my favorite snow-globey snow, but magical nevertheless. I feel it beckoning me. To walk to the end of the driveway. To walk to Jim's grave. I turn away instead and finish a needed task. Then I head towards the house. The snow beckons me again. I hesitate. I consider lingering longer and letting it lead me to my beloved's resting place. But there are tasks that need completed and people to tend to. And I cannot let the emotions escape. Not yet anyway. I turn my back on the enticing whisper of the snow and trudge inside. I close the door behind me. And simultaneously stuff the emotions down. Way down. I press on.

Much later bedtime comes. Exhausted I burrow under the covers. Tears rise within me. The snow still falls outside. It still beckons to my heart. I long to creep outside and let the magical snow pause life for a few moments. But my body is weary and the tears are like little icicles. Frozen within me.

Twelve hours later while driving home with Snurr,  a song comes on the radio. The storm stirs within and before I can escape, tears melt and flow down my cheeks. Snurr notices and starts asking questions, "Missing Nana?" " Miss Daddy?" "What is it?" I am afraid to speak. It is all I can do to keep back the salty storm surge. I mumble something like "It's okay" or ""I'm okay" as I drop him off at home. I drive on to the post office. The moment it is just Jesus & me,  hot salty rivers flow like a dam has been broken. Each tear full of emotions that cannot be explained with words. But I don't have to explain them to Jesus. He knows and understands it all. And no matter the storms around me or within me, my Jesus is with me. And I do my best to praise Him in the storm.

"Praise You in This Storm"

I was sure by now, 

God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
And it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hands
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
I'm with You
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Mark Hall / Bernie Herms

Praise You In This Storm lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management, Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group

Word for 2020?

In January, friends often ask me what my word for the year is. A word to focus on. To grow in. I have learned a year is a very long time, and the Lord likes to shuffle my focus from one thing to another.

So I don't have a word for the year. But I do have  a couple phrases for this week, maybe even the next month, or longer:

True Peace and Healthy Boundaries

True peace. 

Matthew Henry is quoted as saying, "Peace is such a jewel, that I would give anything for it, but truth." Peace is defined as a calmness of soul that produces mental and emotional strength and stability. When I have peace I have a peaceful mind, a quiet conscience, a hopeful heart, and a close fellowship with God. I am at peace with God because Jesus died for me and washed my sins away. So true peace begins with knowing I am justified. With God, it is just-if-I'd never sinned. True peace hinges on if I believe I am accepted by God. The world's peace is enough to make me feel okay only when things are okay. God's peace passes all understanding. It is saying, "It's going to be okay, and even if it is not, it will be in the end." Jesus calls Himself the Prince of peace. So when storms come within me or around me, I need to focus on the Prince of Peace Who is still on the throne no matter what.

Healthy boundaries.

This one is something the Lord has been growing me in for the last couple years. A good friend gave me a shirt that says, "Stay in your lane." Healthy boundaries helps you know what is your lane. I have been studying this topic and will need write a separate post sometime in the future. For now here are some good quotes on boundaries:

"Boundaries are your responsibility. You decide what is and isn't allowed in your life." Brittney Moses

"A boundary is a definate place where your responsibility ends and another person's begins. It stops you from doing things for others that they should do for themselves. A boundary also prevents you from rescuing someone from consequences of their destructive behavior that they need to experience in order to grow." 

"My boundaries communicate what I want and what I don't want in my relationships with others. They are never an attempt to control anyone but myself."

"I didn't set this boundary to offend or please you. I did it to manage the priorities and goals I have set for my life." Kylo

Being Real.

When I decided to get into blogging, I knew I wanted to be real. Not acting like I have all my ducks in a row. Not to pretend I didn't have struggles. Jesus Christ is very real to me. His fingerprints in my life are very real. I desire to help others see how real and personal He is. 

I am not sure how often I will post this year, my track record is very sporadic! I just know I need to post more. In 2019 I didn't even post ten times! My journaling has also tapered off and that isn't healthy for me. 

2019 was a mounumental year for me with some very deep canyons. The Lord fulfilled a huge promise to me in making it possible for me to homeschool Snipp all the way! He graduated in May and he is a fine young man with a quiet, but strong faith and a heart for the bus ministry. All the overwhelming fears of 2006 have vanished. It is miraculous! It took 13 years. A lot of hard work, many tears, and many more prayers. Whenever I start to struggle with doubts about God's faithfulness, all I have to do is look at my oldest son. He is not a perfect man, the Lord is still molding him; but to me seeing him serve in church with such joy is an endless blessing. A victory! His father's death, my imperfect parenting and teaching, his own grief journey, all of it did not make him turn away from the LORD. 

Yet my goal is to be real. And I have two young men to finish homeschooling. Two teenagers to navigate to adulthood. Someone once said, "Parenting is hard; homeschooling is like parenting on steroids." So true! Some days are just hard. And many days this month I have felt so weary. 😢

Six days later:

The Lord in His wisdom gave us a snow day. We enjoyed a Saturday of just curling up with books in little niches around the house. Sunday was a breathe of fresh air to my soul. Pastor's words spoke right to my heart and I could feel the Holy Spirit opening my eyes, strengthening me, stirring hope within. Monday we headed down to visit family, Nana's family. We were all looking forward to it. Only one part was I dreading. Walking in the door and not having Nana there. Not giving and receiving a hug from my mentor & friend. I could feel the dread building within and contacted a few praying sisters. Sisters-in-Christ. Sisters-in-sorrow.  Precious sisters of faith. It is such a blessing to have sisters in this life. Our time with family was busy and short. The Lord did little things in those two days that continued to strengthen and encourage my weary soul. I returned home refreshed. Wednesday was a busy day of school and church activities. But I felt held. Protected. Today was another snow day. A planned homeschool group activity of sledding. The fresh air and homeschool mom talks were such a blessing. Then my two students and I visited a nearby town. We walked down memory lane a little bit and enjoyed A & W shakes. Later we met up with the other teens and moms at a friend's home. For a couple hours, the boys played games with their friends and us moms swapped homeschooling stories and shared about mom life. Just precious!

Like I said earlier, the Lord is so personal. He knows my needs and provides them at the times He deems best. I know in the next four months of school more hard days will come. For now, I rest in God's tender care and soak up His love. ❤

Eternal Accountability

I know I have been quiet for many months. I actually started writing two different post this fall. One was titled Running Shoes. The other I called Unraveling. But I never had the heart to finish them. Grief is a funny thing. It seems to suck the energy out of you, though you feel like you are doing nothing. I have missed Nana very much, in the quietness of this blog. Turtled up some. Reach out to others some. Given encouragement and understand to other sisters and brothers in sorrow. And looked to others for encouragement for myself. Mostly, I sought the Lord to fill the hole left by my cherished friend and mentor. I heard someone say this about their own mentor, "I wasn't ready to let her go yet. There is so much I hadn't heard her say." I understand that deeply. Every loss has its own fingerprint. The Lord understands us exactly and what the sorrow means inside of us. But grief is still a language everyone feels. My goal in 2020 is to write more consistently. We shall see!

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I titled this post Eternal Accountability because these two words struck deep within me Sunday. Accountability helps us in numerous ways. But the reality of Eternal Accountability is eye opening!
God is my Judge. I read this this morning. It is true. There is comfort in those words because I know Jesus is my advocate. But I also understand that some of the things I do and say in this life are worthy to be burned up. They were unfruitful and at times very damaging to myself, my God, and others. Other things I have done or said I hope will be fruit that remains. Fruit that is turned to gold in the fire.

I want to get this posted. So I won't go much deeper. Dear reader, I just pray that you will give some thoughts to these two words: Eternal Accountability.